I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
