don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
