She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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