I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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