when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
