I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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