Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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