Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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