my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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