i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize