Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
