i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
