Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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