Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
