I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
