the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
