guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
