she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
