I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
