She's JV to your varsity
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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