Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
