Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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