Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
