How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
