someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
