I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
