Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
