You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
