three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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