with your own penis?
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
