so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
