i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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