Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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