the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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