Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
