she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
well you can't waste a boner
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
