I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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