Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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