The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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