"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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