Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
did i just pee glitter
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
