remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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