oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
