What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think I sprained my soul last night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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