what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
