Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize