Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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