Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
