Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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