I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
