Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
