I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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