Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
