Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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