we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize