I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
