My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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