We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
