I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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