I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
whose parrot is this?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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