I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
