remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
a search helicopter?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
