I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
