I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
